Its Christmas in New York. My mother is visiting, which has driven me up the wall, but holidays – arent they about being annoyed? Ive had the urge occasionally to write something in the past few months, but things have been busy as Ive started work and tried to figure out my new life. Its been interesting. I adopted a dog in July when I moved here. Hes really made a big difference in my ability to handle the stresses of building a new world. He just likes to hang out and then walk in the park, and so do I. Its nice to feel like a living thing is part of your life when you are alone so much of the time.
Religiously, Ive been taken a break from everything. I went to church once in the middle east this summer, which was good in that I felt what church does do for me. That feeling of peace and connection is the most important part of what I continue to believe and wont be changed by any cultural difficulties I continue to have. However, I knew that I needed space if I was ever going to feel comfortable claiming to be LDS in the future. I was bitter and angry and unable to find a way to reconcile what I know with how I felt I was being asked to live. Marriage continues to be a sticking point for me – not because I dont want to get married (I very much do) but because I am someone outside of my ability to get a guy into heaven and pop out some kids for our eternal progeny.
But its been an interesting few weeks. Emotional for a variety of reasons and I think I got my heart beaten into enough submission, that two days ago in the shower I had an epiphany. And with that epiphany came that same peace and love and confidence I havent felt in months, maybe longer. I stopped everything before because I felt I couldnt live up to the promises I felt and exercise the faith necessary to overcome all my doubts and unnatural anxiety to live a life beyond what I could imagine. I suppose thats what is asked of all of us. To believe in the unbelievable. But Im back to trying. I felt Him reach out to me and ask me to trust him. He gave me the time to ease my pains, while never going so far away I didnt know He was still looking out for me. But when He calls, He knew I would answer. I still believe. So this week, Im trying to go to the temple, I read Matthew 1 early early this morning (its Christmas after all!), and Im blogging again. You can only forget who you are for so long.
The point is, Im back. And the world continues to change, so theres still plenty to say about the topics I started with. Maybe even more now. Polygamy or some version of it legalized in Utah (one marriage certificate but all the living together you want!), I think gay marriage was legalized as well (not exactly sure whats happening there), Duck Dynasty First Amendment nonsense. The world of religion and well the rest of it continue to collide in increasingly more snug ways. Everything around women and race is still sticky. So Ill do my best to keep up with my thoughts on the matter, and continue to talk about my ever evolving commitment to this odd religion that means so much to me. So thanks for listening if you still are. And the newbies, I hope I can say something of value to you so it doesnt feel like you are so alone in the world. I know what that feels like.