Imagine There’s No Countries

English: Teaching and Learning
English: Teaching and Learning (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

It may technically be cheating, since I already did a Beatles son, but its John Lennon by himself so Im counting it.

Today was my first day not hanging out with Americans. I agreed to teach English to the children of a professor and I was picked up for the two hour lesson. There were three children in the car in addition to the two adults, and the children were both fascinated by me and extremely shy. I was confused at first, I thought they were transporting me to the children I was tutoring. The father is a physics professor at one of the universities and his wife is an accountant for the government. I am tutoring the two oldest children, a girl and a boy. The girl is adorable and so so intelligent. The little boy is a bit young, and still scared of me, but we managed to exchange a few words before I put on the ABC song on youtube for him to watch over and over. They also fed me my first in-country mansaf – I posted what mansaf looks like on the last post. It is considered the only true Jordanian food, and I think its delicious. The wife had pre-prepared the mansaf because she worked during the week.

It was fascinating to be so far from home, and find the working arrangement that is so rare in the Mormon culture, and one that I probably hope to emulate. This woman, who is married to an exceptionally educated husband with three very smart kids, in this culture where most Americans assume there is no equality or opportunity for women, is very accomplished and making it work for her family. There are sacrifices to be made, of course, but people all around the world are doing it, even in Arabia, and something I wish others would consider, because I really feel there are benefits for our children. I grew up in a family where my mother worked, and although there were inconveniences, I learned many things about being fearless and supporting myself that I think has led to me to a point that I dream much bigger than I would have otherwise.

The wife drove me home after my lessons. I got the feeling she does not drive much, but on the way she said something that made an impact on me. She said she had a dream that someday her two oldest children, the ones I am tutoring, will speak English fluently. She told me the oldest child, the girl, wants to go to America someday. It made me think how lucky I am to have been born in a country, where I learned English growing up. How lucky I am to be an American – I never have to worry when I show up at a country’s borders, whether or not I will be allowed. There are so few places in the world, we are not allowed. The same will not be true for this little girl. Arabia is considered a place for terrorists, and the visas have been severely restricted for their travel to the states – unless you are very rich or have some other important value. Will this little girl ever have the opportunity to travel the world they way I have? I dont know. I hope so.

So this is my time in the Middle East so far. I am finding ways to interact with the culture in small ways, that mean a lot to me; so hopefully I wont leave here just having taken without giving back something.

Oh I Get By With a Little Help From My Friends

Mansaf as served in an Jordanian household.
Mansaf as served in an Jordanian household. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Beatles Classic. Although I love the Jim Sturgess Across the Universe cover.

Another day and now Im in Jordan. Ill be here for a while, so it feels different my trip to Turkey. Especially cause my best friend is here. He loves this country. Today wasnt the first time I got to see it, but it was the first time that I got to see how that love changes him. My best friend, lets go with BF as a nickname, is a complicated guy masquerading as a simple person. He has this overlay of farting, eating and sleeping, but underneath that theres a lot of conflicting desires, identities and person working themselves out. Im not the first person to be his friend, and I doubt Im the last one to be this close to him – hes one of those people who polarizes people, you either love him and put up with the bullshit or you know right off the bat it wont work out for you. The nice thing about him is that he doesnt particularly care which side of the line you fall on, as long as it minimally affects his life. The one thing I am is the exception to the rule. I am definitely affecting his life.

Im the reason he decided to come out to the Middle East the first time, and since then (its his 4th or 5th trip out here) his involvement has ballooned and the positive impacts have been exponential. Now it is moving the lives of people on both continents in ways neither of us could have predicted 4 years ago, when it was just a last ditch effort to help him get into graduate school after a somewhat disastrous undergrad. I wonder what it feels like to travel 8000 miles and find your people and home. Because thats what he has here. I watched him today argue with a Jordanian about the political options of the country and the tribes that empower it, and saw a comfort and relaxation I dont see when hes hunched over work in his room in Utah. He always projects confidence, but this time it doesnt just sit on the surface, it becomes who he is. Its more than skin deep.

This is my crackpot hypothesis, but I think the reason this place works so well for him is how literal he is. In Jordan, things are right on the surface, if you learn what to look for. Obviously there is the religion – you hear and see the minarets and calls to prayer, as well as the women wearing hijab or niqab. There are ceremonies for greeting people, hospitality rituals that must be done, and time that must be spent in particular ways in order to get by here. And if you can learn them, then you can fit in. Even to me, Jordan doesnt feel like a foreign place, although the voice/feeling inside me is off its axis so I know that I am out of wack and have to get readjusted. Im driving BF a bit crazy, because he cannot understand why Im having this reaction.

There’s something about his reaction that is even more alientating than being in this country far from home. I would describe myself as a slow-to-warm up person. I feel crazy inside until I understand the rules and nuances of how a place works, and then I usually end up excelling within it. I had the same reaction when I started my various programs, but because I spend the time up front to understand the dynamics, I can do things that other people cant. Case in point – leaving early to go abroad. 🙂 Until then, things feel scary, Im highly sensitive to other people’s emotions and nonverbals, because Im trying to soak it all in, so I can learn the rules that are important and those that can be observed and then broken. That is how I think Ive managed to deal in a world where I cant find a easy social place to belong.

Maybe I should chose my best friends better. BF is not about drama, emotions or deep explanations. Thats probably the one thing he doesnt have in common with Jordanians, who seem to constantly be yelling, laughing and being highly expressive. Although, considering ALL of the dramatics he lets into his life, lets say that description may be a bit suspect. Myself included. Anyway, another part of traveling 101. People man, people. They are the reason I leave home and reason I ache to stay inside far away where its safe from all their shenanigans. But we will make it work, as we always do, because I love him and he loves me and family makes it through regardless. Plus who else is going to put up with us?

Otherwise, Ive found an apartment in the city, have a bathroom to scrub (somewhat scarring) and just dropped off my laundry for the first time. Life building begins anew. Oh and if it was unclear – I loved Turkey, in case that did not come across. It was just exactly what I described – new and things Im still struggling with – the constant staring. One of BF’s friends has already told him that he doesnt have to be scared walking around with me, cause everyone will be scared of me. Its not my favorite thing ever to be told, but I suppose its better than being a victim. So I will continue to try to find a way to see myself in this kaleidoscope of reflections.

Ive posted relevant articles – so you can understand a bit better why Jordan. Its this interesting country in the middle of all this crazy political upheaval. President Obama will actually be here tomorrow after his trip to Israel. Also there was a recent article posted in the Atlantic of an interview with King Abdullah II, that is having impact all over the place. Ill talk more about all of that in another post, but a small sampling below.

I’m Just a Girl in the World…That’s All That You’ll Let Me Be

Image representing Sheryl Sandberg as depicted...
Image via CrunchBase

No Doubt’s first album. Yes I know its a bit cliche, but  it fit the point.

A few months ago there was the big debate over whether women could “have it all.” Here are the commentaries from the two major players: Sheryl Sandberg, COO of Facebook and  Anne Marie Slaughter, a former State Department official. I thought I would talk about it, as Sandberg is starting to do press for the release of her new book that expands that talk, Lean In. I am sure there are other people we could add to the debate. Marissa Mayer, current Yahoo CEO, who started the job a month or so before she was due, and decided to work through her maternity leave, which drove some people crazy. Also others are throwing her under the bus with the new Yahoo work from home recall.

I’ll admit I heard the Sheryl Sandberg TED talk first and I loved it. Her three points are as follows: 1) Sit at the table. She talks about how too often women literally dont sit at the table. They will often assume the table is for people more important than them. Women also attribute their success to outside factors, while men attribute their success to themselves, which removes women from the table as their circumstances made them good – not them.

2) Make your partner your partner. We should treat our spouses as actual partners, instead of taking on most of the housework and other chores in addition to full-time work. I also read an article that says women often feel uncomfortable with men doing household work as it makes them feel like less of a woman, or failure, and also can emasculate the men in their eyes.

3) Don’t leave before you leave. Women often start acting as if they other responsibilities before they actually have them. They start thinking about what if they have children some day and then start making work decisions NOW about what that someday should look like. This can mean not taking on projects or promotions because it may not leave enough time in the future.

This third point is probably the one I like best. I am often in conversations with women where I find that I am the only one thinking long-term about a full-time career. Im planning on how many years I want to work internationally, and how I can get the experience to rise up within an organization and how can I build up my consulting practice before I start expecting it to be my primary income. And while no one ever asks me about kids or marriage – another odd quirk of being me: you’re exempt from typical life event questions – I also dont have any right now and they arent even a possibility. No one is putting sperm in the uterus. So no Im not making decisions now based on what I may need to adjust when I do finally have the little ones. Im also not tempering my ambition because of a someday. Yes, that means I will be making more money than most men I know – and we all know what the stats are saying about women and men and income disparities. But it also means that I can afford to live the kind of life I want to have without relying on someone else to create it – Ive realized that recently Ive been fulfilling the dreams I had when growing up poor without a real way to accomplish them, and its really a fun road, despite hoeing it alone.

I dont think all women should work. I have no agenda for our gender as a whole, other than this: whatever you choose to do, be the best. If you are choosing to be a stay-at-home mom, then be involved in fighting for your children, educating them and creating an environment where they will grow into great adults – like the one my mother created for us even though she was working.  If you choose to work – then work! Take promotions, be the best, dont shrink to make anyone more comfortable with you and own the growth you can make at work. And if you choose to switch or combine in the myriads of available ways – then lean into those. I just want us not to settle for lives that are below our capabilities in any sense. Lets make real choices for ourselves. Let us know what we are giving up and gaining in whatever role we take, and embrace fully the direction we are choosing. Let us not default to a stereotype that does no one a service, including the men, children and family we may be trying to protect and appease. We do not need to be CEOs to continue to shape the world in a better image, but we do need to be fully conscious wherever we are. That to me is the take home message of Sandberg.

Ill talk about Slaughter’s argument later, as it combines some other interesting issues in the debate.

I’ve Been Trying to Get Down to the Heart of the Matter

English: President Barack Obama tapes an inter...
English: President Barack Obama tapes an interview for the Daily Show with Jon Stewart at the Harman Center for the Arts in Washington, D.C., October 27, 2010. (Official White House Photo by Pete Souza) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

A cover by India.Arie. So I was still mad today, until I spent some time at church and with some of my really good female friends, and then – the final kicker – went and stared at the temple for a while. It calmed down some of my anxiety and extreme anger to the point where I could see that I was stronger than I had been. Which makes all the nonsense worth it. Let me tell you another way.

Sometimes I imagine my future appearance on The Daily Show about my book (assuming its still running when I end up mattering). I have my mug that I will cherish forever in front of me on the desk and Jon Stewart props up my book and says, “So I read this book and I have to admit my first thought when they handed me this book was, really? there are some? enough to write a whole book about?”

The audience will laugh, and I’ll smile while taking a sip from my mug. Then he’ll say “But seriously, why are you a part of this church? You’re smart – you have to have heard about that ban against black men holding the priesthood? And remember when you guys were against gays? Preventing Boy Scouts from getting their Eagle Scout? Or when women received death threats for wearing pants to church?”

I’ll lean forward and this is what I’ll say, “So you want a logical answer for why I participate and believe in a religion that seems to be constantly be preventing some group or another from feeling accepted and equal and whose membership sometimes reacts badly to efforts to express and change the circumstances which cause those feelings?”

Jon nods or says something snarky. It is The Daily Show after all. “Well, Jon, there isnt one.” And Ill sit back. Eventually he’ll follow up the question and Ill answer for real. “Jon, faith isnt logical. It cannot be arrived at through thought alone or reasoned with. Most of the things we have faith in we have no control over. Sometimes past experience supports our faith – the sun came up yesterday, gravity existed last night – so all these things will most likely happen again tomorrow. However, we dont know that, we just know that they have, so our best bet is to assume it will again. But sometimes we dont have reason to fall back on, we have to take a leap to believe the voice or hope inside of us could be true and right and we jump forward into nothing. That is why I participate and believe. Because one time I jumped, and something/someone caught me.”

The interview will go on and on – we will talk about how I cant stand soda so I never think about the caffeine rule (even though Im addicted to Vitamin Water Zero’s energy burst, which is tons of caffeine). And whatever else is in vogue about Mormons in that day. But I will have told the truth. When I was small and everything else that supported me failed, and there was no earthly way to go on in such a world, I took a leap of faith that a God loved me, and He knew me and He was in charge and would make things alright if I just kept moving forward and listened to him.

Things didnt get “better” for a long long time, not until recently, like the last 5 years, would I say I finally was becoming whole. I spent a long time trudging forward with no idea of what happiness felt like. I remember a week in college that I felt light and looked up, and thought, “Is this what everyone else feels like all the time? This is sooo much better!” It wasnt permanent, but it gave me hope. God has continued to hold my hand and lead me forward through the darkness until I arrived at a point, where I feel like the world is mine. Ive never been happier and more excited for the future, despite being scared out of my mind, because everything that comes next is nothing like what came before. Its another leap of faith, but this time I know God will catch me. Just like He did tonight – he eased my heart and reminded me of how far we had come, and how great Now is given all the crap that came before, so think how much better Then will be if I can survive this.

So I stay. Because the organization lead me to God, and the God that I have come to know I will never leave. No characteristic about me, black, female or smart, will change the relationship I have forged. The religion and I will work it out, but the God that I love will never abandon me, despite how it feels to bear the hardships I may be called to experience, like dating, or dumb friends, or Utah. Its been ok thus far, and its only getting better.

You’re Not the Perfect Hand But I Don’t Hit on Nineteen

Sex
Sex (Photo credit: danielito311)

Johnny Mayer. Hes coming back guys!

So Im going to talk about something controversial. At least for Mormondom, especially when it comes to dating. Porn. Pornography. Every once in a while a female authority will make a statement about how women should not date men who view pornography. Which causes a huge uproar among both the single men and women groups. I knew men who were in counseling for their pornography “issues” and whenever that happened they were devastated. They wanted a chance to build a relationship, to overcome the intimacy issues that are usually at the heart of pornography use, but their only opportunities were being shrunk because of well-meaning intentions.  I also knew married men in those groups, who were struggling so hard to find a way for this not to destroy their lives. marriages and futures. And this group was the only way for them to talk about the difficulty of being men and fathers and breadwinners in a way no one would let them.

On the other end of the spectrum, I also knew women who were in support groups for women whose husbands viewed pornography. This ranged from men who lied about viewing pornography occasionally, to men who lied about conducting online relationships with other women, because of pornography. They were so grateful for the opportunity to talk about how it felt to be betrayed by the person they loved and trusted, because they could not discuss sex and trust in a regular conversation.

Here’s what I think: Sex is complicated. Really really complicated. And while we know that  sexual drive varies more within a group than between groups, men tend to be higher on the spectrum as whole compared to women. More men report feeling lack of intimacy in their marriage when they are not having sex, while women tend to report that lack of intimacy when it comes to lack of trust, feelings and talking. Massive over-generalizations, but lets just start there.

We treat men like criminals when it comes to acting out around sex. We say why cant you just control yourselves? How can you hurt your wives/gf this way? How could I possibly date such a sick deviant? WHAT WOULD JESUS THINK? But the reason sex is so hard to control is because its biological. Its hard wired into our systems to propagate the species. So of course porn is enticing. Its sex! And men have a complex relationship with it, that makes them more likely to have this particular weakness. But thats what it is – a weakness. Something we are all struggling with on this mortal plane. Something we were all given so that we could overcome.

Lets look at it from the other angle.  More women are more prone to eating disorders than to hypersexual disorders. Eating disorders are often seen as a exercise in control – many women began them as a way to gain control over some aspect of their lives, are rewarded for their weight loss or efforts, and then continue to do it until it becomes the primary way they relate to food. They are extremely difficult to treat. Why is that? Because its biological. We HAVE to eat to propagate ourselves! But we rarely treat women with this weakness as criminals, because of this issue. No one is telling us to not date women with eating disorders, even though they can have the same kind of terrible effects on intimacy, marriage, trust and else.

Some of the best conversations Ive ever had in my life were with those men in counseling. And I ached for the women who finally found some safe relief in their groups. But the only reason I was able to be in those situations, is because I was attempting to understand both sides of this issue. Right now, we are only talking about one side – what men are doing to women. Let’s talk about what society and women are doing to men.

Then, there’s a whole ‘nother aspect to the problem. In Mormondom, and some other religions, and society at large, women are often put in charge of men’s sexuality. This picture has recently gone viral. At the top where she writes whore and slut are the words “asking for it.” In most talks I heard growing up given to women we are told about dressing appropriately, being the ones to set the limits, to safeguard men from their impulses. Men are described as rutting beasts essentially, and we are the virtuous angels who are required to stop them. So if we dress and act like whores, well then its our fault when we get raped, or if we dress like nuns, then its our fault they turn to porn. Men cannot be held responsible for their sexual actions.

Can we please change the dialogue around sex? I mean a lot of people are having it. Everytime someone tells me they are trying to have a baby, all I think is, “Thank you for telling me about how much sex you are having.” Its everywhere people! SEX! Even if you arent having it, the lack of it is complicated. So lets make it easier on all of us. Lets not scapegoat men or women when it comes to the difficulty of controlling desire. Neither sex (what!) is perfect when it comes to this, so lets take make it easier to take the best we can.