religion – Black Mormon Female

‘Cause I Gotta Have Faith

January 4, 2014January 4, 2014Posted in Black, Female, Mormon, UncategorizedTagged anxiety, Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, conversion, fear, Friends, God, identity, Latter-Day Saint, perfectionism, religion, women1 Comment

I started this post this summer, and since it is still a relevant topic 6+ months later – Im going to leave what I initially wrote and then weave in where I am now. Its prob a weird idea, but im too lazy to start it up from scratch.

BEFORE – An easy pick given the topic: George Michael.

This post is inspired both by the difficulties Im going through in life in general and this blog post I found on my facebook feed. Im not going through anything more difficult than the regular up and downs of life. The anticipation of something new, moving back home after being out of my country for 3 months now, being bored, stressed and dealing with relationships. Nothing new, but sometimes they all combine together to make you lose hope and faith in yourself, others and the possibility of a better world.

Ive been greatly irritated by the stupidity of men in general this week. Nothing new – but most of the program Im helping run out here is male interns this year and the conversations are gross, the commentary banal, the actions disgusting and Im seriously wondering if this is my fate for eternity, to be surrounded by the immature, or if it ever gets better. Therefore I got upset at the Best Friend who is often the number one propagator of such grossness and his sidekick, who thinks he’s hilarious, and kicked them out of room. I was told I was over-reacting, controlling, think Im better than others and a downer. All of these things are likely true.

Combine this continued annoyance, with being sick from foreign food, sinus headaches, the lack of connection with the place, dealing with finding housing with a roommate from 6000 miles away and trying to help the BF get his shiz together for school – I may need to go home and cry for a while. Instead, I am obsessively watching Vampire Diaries from season 1, which is definitely easing the pain.

AFTER – Now im obsessively watching other shows – all hail Netflix! – but the anxiety has been extreme. It may have been connected to my mother’s visit – it does tend to be somewhat distressing, given how long she was here. But work has been stressful as well. And the shear uncertainty has been exhausting. I met with my bishop last week. I told him the reason I havent been coming to church is because I have no idea how to be Mormon anymore; I dont know how to fit in and not feel awful about myself everyday. I dont think its exactly the church’s fault, but I still havent exactly figured out how to make it work. He gave me a blessing that I would have the courage and confidence to do what I needed and make the connections to come back.

In many ways, I am not the girl who started this blog. Although I dont always feel a lot has happened, I guess a lot really has. Its been 6 months at my first job, its a large adjustment to the corporate world. Its been a long time without my friends near by and the process of making new ones is just a drawn out one, even though I have met some really great people. I still love this city, but the anxiety has taken control and its hard to enjoy anything. I had this moment the other day where I saw who I needed to be. And it was beautiful. This girl who was quietly confident, serene and sure of her place in the world and not running around like a nutso trying to gather up enough pieces of love to get by in the next few mins, hours, days. I saw children and how much I would love them and how important they would be to me – which is a very different feeling than I had before, when I did not know how I would feel or what I would want. I saw this future for myself that was more than all the things I wanted for myself, and I felt some peace that there was still a path forward for me. I wasnt sure what was left – I didnt have any specific goals for myself recently other than to be good. Not just a good person, but really good at stuff. But I havent been able to think past the feeling of being terrible at everything, which no facts seem to support, but my brain keeps wandering back to.

Theres a way through this and that was a glimpse at what was beyond, but until then there is a curtain of solid anxiety between me and there. There is going to be a way through to that other life, but lots ahead for me. So Im not the same – I was bold before, now I feel timid. I was full of sharp edges about what I believed, now Im softer less aggressive. Im slowing down and trying to figure out whats going on in my life, so I can get to the other side of the curtain.

Im not upset about going to church tomorrow (its a Saturday here), Im not upset about where I am. Im just frustrated sometimes, but not angry any more. Thats why I think its time. Im trying to get back to where I was before, but better. So things may sound different coming from me now. Im changing, everything is changing. I dont see the topics changing, but who knows where I will come down on it? Ok, most things havent changed that much – but I may just be less angry about it all. 🙂

Hopefully thats still of interest to you reader. Happy New Year! Lets see what 2014 has to offer.

We Say, “Sisters are Doin’ it For Themselves”

April 6, 2013April 6, 2013Posted in Female, MormonTagged Brigham Young, Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, Eliza R. Snow, Emma Smith, equality, female, Gender, Joseph Smith, LDS, missionary training center, priesthood authority, Relief Society, religion1 Comment

Aretha Franklin & Annie Lenox. Doin’ it for themselves.

So one of my friends went to a fireside on a few Sundays ago with the Director of Operations at the MTC (LDS Missionary Training Center). He said that sister missionaries will now be 50% of the population, so the whole dynamics of how missions run will change. There will be sisters-only districts, and they will have to restructure leadership. And here is the proof of that.

This is a rather interesting and perhaps the first unexpected step of a new thought order within Mormondom. Women have been a larger proportion of the active LDS population for many years. Just like they are in other parts of society (larger college attendance numbers, every grad school but business) women have pushed up their participation. Now its the mission field for LDS people. Interestingly, sisters in leadership positions reporting directly to the head of the organization with an active wife of the head is not a new phenomenon. In the early days of the LDS church, when Joseph Smith was prophet, he organized the Relief Society (RS) on March 17, 1842. The purpose was to be an organization for the female members of the new church:

—that the Society of Sisters might provoke the brethren to good works in looking to the wants of the poor—searching after objects of charity, and in administering to their wants—to assist; by correcting the morals and strengthening the virtues of the female community, and save the Elders the trouble of rebuking; that they may give their time to other duties, &[et]c., in their public teaching…

The organization of the Church [is] not complete until the sisters [are] organized.

The interesting thing about this organization was that it was completely self-contained. In the current LDS structure, RS presidents report into a priesthood authority at every level. The ward level into the bishop, stake level into the stake president, so on and so forth. However, in the early church the RS structure did not report into the priesthood until the prophet. It was its own organization with reporting directly into the woman above until you hit the prophet, although now that I think about it, it wasnt that big of an organization or that widespread so it makes sense that Emma Smith, the new president of the organization, would have reported directly to the current prophet, her husband, as there was not anyone below her (2 counselors and a secretary were all that was chosen). That changed after Joseph Smith’s death. One version of the story is that Emma Smith, Joseph’s first wife (yes he was a polygamist), and Brigham Young did not get along. This was further fractured when she decided not to go with the rest of the Saints in leaving Nauvoo for the West. Obviously the LDS church was in flux after their exodus from Illinois in 1844, but I have never heard an official reason for the lack of the relief society for the 20 years. And the interruption is rarely brought to public attention unless you do some history reading, so remains invisible unless you look at the dates of the service of the presidents.

Eliza R. Snow, the secretary of the original RS, did travel west, and in 1854, about 10 years after arriving in Utah, helped establish the Indian Relief Society, which was designed to provide services to the Native American population living in Utah. It was not until 1866 that Brigham Young called for formal reorganization of the Relief Society as part of the ward structure again, Eliza R. Snow was called as General President of the RS, but this time the RS reported into the local priesthood at each level. This may be the first formal structuring of the organization as it was large enough to need it as it was sustained throughout the rest of the history of the LDS church until present-day, where our latest General RS President and counselors were called a year ago, April 2012.

I dont know where we are headed as a church in regards to the norms surrounding females. There was the recent Wear Pants to Church Day movement that brought out the ugly on both sides (there were death threats against the female founders by males and women who verbally attacked the orchestrators for their lack of understanding, etc) that in my opinion mostly illustrates that women in the LDS church are feeling the burden of inequality in roles and organizational structure. Many feel the lowering of the missionary age in the first place (from 21-19 for females, 19-18 for males) was designed to help with that inequality, but Ive also heard its to encourage more marriages as we dont have this “lost generation” of eligible women when males return from missions and women start to go on them. There’s also a group of women who are pushing to ordain women to the priesthood, as they see that as the major perpetuator of inequality in the LDS church. I have not paid much attention to it, but I know the power issues have affected my own life when how I wished to run my calling in the LDS church was mediated by a distant priesthood authority, who often shut down my ideas or made me feel I needed permission for something (nothing heretical people, just my inspirational awesome ideas to improve what I was responsible for). Maybe they did have final authority? No idea. Of course, today on LDS General Conference Saturday we can see the lastest manifestation of the debate. For the first time, women may give the prayers in conference sessions. So we will see about that.

So, who knows? Im not even sure what changes I would want to see, but I know that as women we have something to offer and Im not sure that we are doing it yet. I have seen many examples of excellent women, excelling in school, in motherhood, in their lives, but Im not sure organizationally we get it yet. Anyway, just the lastest from the ranks.

LDS Church announces new leadership roles for sister missionaries (ksl.com)

I Never Want to Act My Age

March 28, 2013March 28, 2013Posted in Female, MormonTagged adjusting, age, aging, anxiety, birthday, female, Gender, God, growing up, Middle East, perfectionism, religion, should, travel1 Comment

Demi Moore Cover Comparison (Photo credit: ChadScott)

Blink 182 baby!

So Im about to be 30 and the awesome thing is, Im pretty pleased about the whole thing. Im looking around at what Ive accomplished, where Im at and the opportunities that seem ahead and Im excited for the future. However, getting older is not viewed as a good thing when youre a female. If youre a guy, age is your friend – how much better does George Clooney, Matt Damon and Leonardo DiCaprio look now than they did when they were younger? Especially babyface Leo. But getting older as a female? All you read is depressing statistics on how any children after 35 are more likely to have down syndrome’s or autism or other disorders, or how getting caught in a terrorist attack is more likely than getting married if youre over some age. I mean even those who look fantastic, are still given an age qualifier. In the Middle East, Im watching lots of crappy old American movies, since I cant watch the other 300 Arabic channels (language deficient!) so Ive seen Charlie’s Angels 2 again. Remember what a big deal it was when Demi Moore came out of the ocean rocking her 40-year old body and restarting her career? Then she married Ashton Kutcher and it was the resurgence of the older woman-younger man! Too bad 10 years later they are divorced, people are talking about how all the cosmetic surgery can’t prevent her aging and all things are back to the way they’ve always been.

Its scary how much we let ourselves be defined by what others may think of us. I stayed home today from the things I could have done in the world today, because I was exhausted. I slept until 3, which was over 12 hours and then woke up and did nada. Ate some hummus and turned on the TV. And eventually a little voice started creeping in, whispering so low I couldnt actually make out the words, just recognize the feeling of unease and anxiety and eventually worthlessness rolling over me. Then it got a bit louder as it got purchase on me – how dare you stay inside all day? Shouldnt you be out – building your career? meeting people? exploring the country? walking and getting less fat? doing something of value? The voice, of course, gets meaner as it gets louder. And it becomes easier and easier to believe.

So many shoulds. Its maybe the biggest struggle I face, especially when faced with a lot of choices, and I choose what I want instead of the “right” choice. I tend to punish myself for doing what I want, especially when doing what I want seems to be being super lazy. The nice thing about being out of my normal environment is I cant blame the feelings on my life. Instead, I check myself much more quickly and say, “well something isnt right, because right now Im in a foreign country, living my own personal dreams and eating awesome food while surfing the internet and not doing work, so lets get some perspective here.” Eventually I realized I was feeling bad cause I was dehydrated, drank some water and got on with the lazing. Oh well, its a process. I did eventually take a shower, leave the house, eat some really good food, and watch a movie with a friend. So overall a salvaged day.

Im learning to like it here a lot. Ive created a routine that involves teaching English a few days a week, going into an office to help with HR work and am still creating other opportunities. Having a PhD is a big deal here, which I think is opening doors. Im sure there will be bad days, but Im still grateful for the chance Ive had to be here and widen my view a bit more.

Im also using the time to get back into contact with my Heavenly Father. My life is quieting down enough for me to hear the promptings I should have been following before – but at least Im doing them now. I came out here because I thought it was what He wanted me to do, so its nice to feel like He also brought me out here so we could get closer and talk more like we used to. Being in Provo the last few years made me want to dull things a bit, so I didnt make the same efforts I used to. Here, I see how well-placed I am, and I could use the guidance so I am able to take advantage of this experience. Plus Ive got a best friend, some cute kids and some other people relying on me being at my best, so Im ready to rise to the challenge.

The end of a decade. Its not so bad growing up. Plus, no one believes I am 30 anyway, so theres always that.

Looking for Heaven, Found the Devil in Me

March 11, 2013March 11, 2013Posted in Black, Female, MormonTagged female, Gender, God, Jesus, New York City, Pamukkale, religion, sex, travel, turkey2 Comments

Women of the World (Photo credit: angela7dreams)

Florence + the Machine.

This morning we went out to the ruins at Termessos, which was both a hike over slippery rock and maybe one of my favorite excursions so far. Combined with doing laundry and taking an awesome shower with the best loufah ever, I thought today was a great day. Then I went outside to get cash and dinner, and was confronted by a thin Turkish 20-something who was passing the opposite direction. He did the classic, “Hello.” Followed by. “Do you speak English?” In a heavy accent. I was going to open my mouth to say yes, but he quickly followed that up with “Would you like to have sex?”

He never stopped walking in past me and never once reached out to touch me or try to impede me to follow through on his request, but it was still a horrifying? defeating? shrinking? experience. I kept on walking up the hill towards the main drag, but I huddled even closer under my hood. I was dressed the same way I always am – my blue rain jacket and today some long capris, so nothing suggested I was as loose as his question seemed in imply. Was it merely that I was a girl walking alone? Or that Im not Turkish?

I needed to use an ATM, and turned the corner looking for one of the many Turkish banks, but saw a blue glint in the corner of my eye. A familiar American bank and something about that touchstone made me keep going as I approached what felt like a dark corner to get out enough cash to last for a bit. But I wasnt accosted. No one demanded my money. And I made it to McDonald’s and back with no incident. But now the stares from passerbys felt far more threatening than they had previously. What did they want from me? Was it that I was just a curiosity? A tall girl worth staring at? Although Id seen two black people when we were at Pamukkale, I havent seen any in Antayla. I just walked head down, back to my hotel, both intimidated and then angry reminding myself that I was larger than my would-be sexual partner, and could easily have fought off any advances. There were also other people around and hopefully they would not have stood by while anything awful happened.

But more than the idea of what could have happened – the fact that something did shook my foundation a bit. Did I want to travel by myself after my friend went home? It had seemed like such a good idea the night before to take advantage of the proximity to Europe and keep traveling, but now I felt my adventurousness cowed. Is this what it means to be a female? To live in a world that holds the potential for constant threat? Do you stay home and let the possibility of threat keep you out? What happens when I move to NYC? I never felt unsafe last summer, not like this, but it could happen. Or if I move international in the future – which has always been my plan – do I always wait for a companion before getting groceries or going to the movies? I came home many times at 1am from Lincoln Center and never once worried. What will I feel now?

So much of this blog recently has been about being Black and Female. I thought that as I walked home and wanted to write about this experience. Maybe I needed to focus on the Mormon part to find a way past all those riled up feelings.

Im reading this series, Betrayed, by Carolyn McCray that is basically a Dan Brown book – involving Jesus, Judas and their bones in the present time. But what its doing is both entertaining me and letting me think about religion. As a matter of fact, the book talks about how Mary lived in Ephesus – I was just at her home two days ago. They are just about to go to Istanbul – which I head back to in a few days. It just grounds you for a second – reminds you that these were real people, they just lived a long time ago, but now Ive walked where Mary and John the Beloved walked. Ive hiked ruins where people lived over thousands of years ago. I am in the middle of my very own Bible story. And the God I have come to know through these stories and my own religious books, will protect me.

I came out to this region, because of Him. And I have felt His peace during all of the weird, alienating, beautiful experiences in the past week or so. If I truly believe in Him, and that He has led me, then He is more powerful than any idiot on a street in Turkey or NYC or any other place I have felt inspired to go. And if something terrible does happen – He is also powerful enough to make it ok, just like He has done every time before. There really isnt anything else that will make it better. For me, there is a God, He commands and it will work out in the end for my good, for all our good. And thats all there is. I need to spend more time learning about that then worrying about all the other stupid insecurities in my life. He can heal those as easily as he helped me come here to Turkey, Jordan and wherever else I go in these next few months.

I still need probably a good night’s sleep, and more clean laundry to feel up to the challenge of the outside world again, but I think I have found the most important piece back.

When You Lose Something You Can’t Replace

February 20, 2013February 20, 2013Posted in MormonTagged church, convert, Extended family, Family, father, Felicity, God, Latter Day Saints, LDS, Mormon, religion2 Comments

Family Portrait - Montreal 1963 — Family Portrait – Montreal 1963 (Photo credit: Mikey G Ottawa)

I dont often talk about my father in depth, mostly because its one of the more complicated conversations I can have. But as it gets nearer to the anniversary of his death, I occasionally think more about him.

My father was my best friend. I loved him more than anything. My love of computers comes from watching him work on the PC we had in our home from age 5 until he died when I was almost 10. We didnt get another one until I was 13. My father played ping pong with us in the garage. He spanked us with a belt and told us he would give us something to cry about. He let me shift gears on the old blue Toyota, when his old wrist injury was acting up. And he was smart. Never graduated from high school, but he did all the checking of our math homework counting, and other times swearing, in Spanish.

My father was also Mormon. He converted when he met my mother and held the first level of the priesthood in our church, but was never active during my memory. He never prevented my mother from taking us to church, played with the missionaries (19-year old boys who are always up for games) when they came over for food, and attended our youth talks in sacrament.

My father was also abusive. He drank without my family knowing it. He cheated. And he basically stopped working when I was 7. When he suffered a massive stroke, it was a blessing for my family that he died instead of lingering on severely handicapped, the financial and social responsibilities of which, would probably have limited what my family has managed to accomplish since then.

I still love my father. I love the man who took me on adventures with him when I was small. I love the man who I only remember teaching us Spanish at one dinner table session, pointing out leche. I love the man who was so charismatic and larger than life that everyone wanted to be around him. But I also hate him. I hate the man that made my mother sad and never want to remarry. I hate the man that hurt me. I hate the man who was so lost he could not find a way out for himself, and in my opinion, God took him so he could have a better chance in the Mormon version of purgatory, instead of continuing to make grievous mistakes here on Earth.

I think whats been hardest for me is how to answer questions about my family. We arent a typical family unit. I love my family and talk to them online or by phone multiple times a day. We exchange pictures of clothes and my sister’s cute dog and Ive helped my mom find the home she is now living in. But I dont live near my family, have no strong desire to (we are all extremely independent, controlling and prickly), so I am amazed whenever someone says it would be difficult to live far away from their’s, much less outside of the same state. I cant imagine needing to live anywhere closer than 45 mins to the nearest international airport to get to them. I spent 3 weeks with my mother last summer and was starkly reminded of why I will do all in my power to never live at home again (its because dusting is not important to me and likely never will be; This is a fundamental point of contention).

I dont really have an extended family – I mean Im related to a lot of people, but I have no relationship with them for a variety of reasons. Im still struck by all of the family pictures of cousins and second cousins twice removed on walls at my friends’ grandmother’s homes. I hate taking pictures and Im pretty sure we have no immediate family pictures that Im not age 6 in.

Im learning not to feel so alone anymore. Ive learned Im not the only one with crazy parents and strained family time. Ive learned lots of people dont have a billion cousins, like all the perfect Mormon families. Ive become comfortable with the family I am creating for myself. So, my family now consists of a few lovely dogs, some excellent friends, an alumni network, a broadway play or two, dear TV characters (Im looking at you, Felicity!), a worldwide LDS membership and some John Mayer songs, in addition to my nuclear peoples. Its full of things that provide comfort and the ability to keep trucking everyday. And at the end of it all, there is a God who promised himself as a perfect Father, in place of the one He took away. I love my Father in Heaven and because of Him I am capable of having more family than I ever dreamed possible. Everywhere I go on this Earth, I find someone who fits in to my little world. My best friend, Team Awesome, a new friend at work. It makes it far less scary when I do leave my Utah-imposed exile to know the world is just family waiting to be discovered. I can spend a summer in China and remember for the rest of my life the video store people who set aside DVDs they thought I would like (this mostly consisted of Fast and the Furious, which I love). Against all odds, I can keep in contact with a few friends from the summer I started college. And I can remember fondly the elementary school classmates at my father’s funeral.

Perhaps its not the normal way to make a family, but since Im not getting married anytime soon, who’s to say what we children can’t do? It beats the hell out of staying lonely, just because I dont share blood. So even though I cant replace my dad, or make my grandparents come back to life, I can connect with my half-brothers teenage children, or build better relationships with my mom and sisters. I dont have to stay lost forever.

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