Tag: relationships

I’ll Be Home for Christmas

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English: Photo taken of the traditional view o...
English: Photo taken of the traditional view of the Christmas tree at Rockefeller Center, NYC. The iPhone said 28 degrees. It was cold. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Its Christmas in New York. My mother is visiting, which has driven me up the wall, but holidays – arent they about being annoyed? Ive had the urge occasionally to write something in the past few months, but things have been busy as Ive started work and tried to figure out my new life. Its been interesting. I adopted a dog in July when I moved here. Hes really made a big difference in my ability to handle the stresses of building a new world. He just likes to hang out and then walk in the park, and so do I. Its nice to feel like a living thing is part of your life when you are alone so much of the time.

Religiously, Ive been taken a break from everything. I went to church once in the middle east this summer, which was good in that I felt what church does do for me. That feeling of peace and connection is the most important part of what I continue to believe and wont be changed by any cultural difficulties I continue to have. However, I knew that I needed space if I was ever going to feel comfortable claiming to be LDS in the future. I was bitter and angry and unable to find a way to reconcile what I know with how I felt I was being asked to live. Marriage continues to be a sticking point for me – not because I dont want to get married (I very much do) but because I am someone outside of my ability to get a guy into heaven and pop out some kids for our eternal progeny.

But its been an interesting few weeks. Emotional for a variety of reasons and I think I got my heart beaten into enough submission, that two days ago in the shower I had an epiphany. And with that epiphany came that same peace and love and confidence I havent felt in months, maybe longer. I stopped everything before because I felt I couldnt live up to the promises I felt and exercise the faith necessary to overcome all my doubts and unnatural anxiety to live a life beyond what I could imagine. I suppose thats what is asked of all of us. To believe in the unbelievable. But Im back to trying. I felt Him reach out to me and ask me to trust him. He gave me the time to ease my pains, while never going so far away I didnt know He was still looking out for me. But when He calls, He knew I would answer. I still believe. So this week, Im trying to go to the temple, I read Matthew 1 early early this morning (its Christmas after all!), and Im blogging again. You can only forget who you are for so long.

The point is, Im back. And the world continues to change,  so theres still plenty to say about the topics I started with. Maybe even more now. Polygamy or some version of it legalized in Utah (one marriage certificate but all the living together you want!), I think gay marriage was legalized as well (not exactly sure whats happening there), Duck Dynasty First Amendment nonsense. The world of religion and well the rest of it continue to collide in increasingly more snug ways. Everything around women and race is still sticky. So Ill do my best to keep up with my thoughts on the matter, and continue to talk about my ever evolving commitment to this odd religion that means so much to me. So thanks for listening if you still are. And the newbies, I hope I can say something of value to you so it doesnt feel like you are so alone in the world. I know what that feels like.

Oh I Get By With a Little Help From My Friends

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Mansaf as served in an Jordanian household.
Mansaf as served in an Jordanian household. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Beatles Classic. Although I love the Jim Sturgess Across the Universe cover.

Another day and now Im in Jordan. Ill be here for a while, so it feels different my trip to Turkey. Especially cause my best friend is here. He loves this country. Today wasnt the first time I got to see it, but it was the first time that I got to see how that love changes him. My best friend, lets go with BF as a nickname, is a complicated guy masquerading as a simple person. He has this overlay of farting, eating and sleeping, but underneath that theres a lot of conflicting desires, identities and person working themselves out. Im not the first person to be his friend, and I doubt Im the last one to be this close to him – hes one of those people who polarizes people, you either love him and put up with the bullshit or you know right off the bat it wont work out for you. The nice thing about him is that he doesnt particularly care which side of the line you fall on, as long as it minimally affects his life. The one thing I am is the exception to the rule. I am definitely affecting his life.

Im the reason he decided to come out to the Middle East the first time, and since then (its his 4th or 5th trip out here) his involvement has ballooned and the positive impacts have been exponential. Now it is moving the lives of people on both continents in ways neither of us could have predicted 4 years ago, when it was just a last ditch effort to help him get into graduate school after a somewhat disastrous undergrad. I wonder what it feels like to travel 8000 miles and find your people and home. Because thats what he has here. I watched him today argue with a Jordanian about the political options of the country and the tribes that empower it, and saw a comfort and relaxation I dont see when hes hunched over work in his room in Utah. He always projects confidence, but this time it doesnt just sit on the surface, it becomes who he is. Its more than skin deep.

This is my crackpot hypothesis, but I think the reason this place works so well for him is how literal he is. In Jordan, things are right on the surface, if you learn what to look for. Obviously there is the religion – you hear and see the minarets and calls to prayer, as well as the women wearing hijab or niqab. There are ceremonies for greeting people, hospitality rituals that must be done, and time that must be spent in particular ways in order to get by here. And if you can learn them, then you can fit in. Even to me, Jordan doesnt feel like a foreign place, although the voice/feeling inside me is off its axis so I know that I am out of wack and have to get readjusted. Im driving BF a bit crazy, because he cannot understand why Im having this reaction.

There’s something about his reaction that is even more alientating than being in this country far from home. I would describe myself as a slow-to-warm up person. I feel crazy inside until I understand the rules and nuances of how a place works, and then I usually end up excelling within it. I had the same reaction when I started my various programs, but because I spend the time up front to understand the dynamics, I can do things that other people cant. Case in point – leaving early to go abroad. 🙂 Until then, things feel scary, Im highly sensitive to other people’s emotions and nonverbals, because Im trying to soak it all in, so I can learn the rules that are important and those that can be observed and then broken. That is how I think Ive managed to deal in a world where I cant find a easy social place to belong.

Maybe I should chose my best friends better. BF is not about drama, emotions or deep explanations. Thats probably the one thing he doesnt have in common with Jordanians, who seem to constantly be yelling, laughing and being highly expressive. Although, considering ALL of the dramatics he lets into his life, lets say that description may be a bit suspect. Myself included. Anyway, another part of traveling 101. People man, people. They are the reason I leave home and reason I ache to stay inside far away where its safe from all their shenanigans. But we will make it work, as we always do, because I love him and he loves me and family makes it through regardless. Plus who else is going to put up with us?

Otherwise, Ive found an apartment in the city, have a bathroom to scrub (somewhat scarring) and just dropped off my laundry for the first time. Life building begins anew. Oh and if it was unclear – I loved Turkey, in case that did not come across. It was just exactly what I described – new and things Im still struggling with – the constant staring. One of BF’s friends has already told him that he doesnt have to be scared walking around with me, cause everyone will be scared of me. Its not my favorite thing ever to be told, but I suppose its better than being a victim. So I will continue to try to find a way to see myself in this kaleidoscope of reflections.

Ive posted relevant articles – so you can understand a bit better why Jordan. Its this interesting country in the middle of all this crazy political upheaval. President Obama will actually be here tomorrow after his trip to Israel. Also there was a recent article posted in the Atlantic of an interview with King Abdullah II, that is having impact all over the place. Ill talk more about all of that in another post, but a small sampling below.

Related articles

If I Were A Boy

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Standard of Living
Standard of Living (Photo credit: Believes in everything…)

Super Bowl Shout to: Beyonce.

What must it be like to be a guy? I have a best friend, and while he may not be representative of the entire gender, he insists more are like him than not. From my perspective, they seem to be content with general lower standards of living. HIMYM says they’ve all thought about opening a bar or starting a band. But most things seem to revolve around farting, burping, and boobs. Im pretty sure nothing can be done about the first two, its the third I intend to weigh in on today.

I know quite a few men in their late 20s (early 30s) who are divorced. From my point of view, it seems like they married the hottest girl who would have them and then tried to settle down into domestic bliss. Except the problem was that said hot girl has no discernible skill sets or interest in their particular ideas of domestic bliss. At this point I usually yell, “And why would she?! She clearly communicated that what she spends her time doing is being hot – shopping, makeup, gym, etc, all so she could snag you, and now you want her to cook, clean and raise kids too? You got exactly what you searched for. Dont be mad at her now.” So then they get divorced spend about 5 years licking their wounds, and attempting to figure out what exactly is it they do want if they were to get married again. Some of them accomplish it successfully, while others are still bidding their time.

Then there are the single, never-married ones. They range from the asshole to the delusional (he wants a 22 year old Black model girlfriend and hes 39) to the confused to the boring to the list goes on. They spend a lot of time crewing up to go to their versions of the pick-up zones, ward activities, some large Mormon event, the bar, and then complain about how the girl turned them down cause they were not tall enough.  I mean, girls arent making this war any easier, but I’ll turn to them later. Some days Im so tired of listening to their bullshit about why no girls like them, when they are all chasing the same 10 versions of a girl. I mean, read exhibit C. If a girl can get better, and “all you can do is list a bunch of faults you don’t have, then back the fuck away from the patient. ” Even on a bad day they deserve better than you and your particular brand of inanity and laziness.

Rant aside, the thing is – I still like them. I still want one of them to come to his senses one day and be like, “this girl, who I call when I want someone to hold my hand is amazing. This girl who tries everyday to make my life a little bit better and help deliver my dreams, is someone I should probably stop taking for granted. Thus, I will stop dating the silly girls who add little to my life and settle down to awesomeness. “Stunted vocabulary aside, what the crap are you guys actually thinking about? Is it really just Dazed and Confused in there? Is all that matters that they keep getting younger, and you stay the same age? Mentally, emotionally, ecumenically?

And then, every time I get one of the male sex to a grown up personhood point, after hours of yelling and talking and crying (usually on their end) they end up marrying the girl they met while I was making them grow up. I want to scream, “HELLO! You just gave away all my hard work! Investment not returned! Damnit!” But it doesnt matter. They just keep getting married and the others keep talking about a nice ass, and I keep getting frustrated.

The worst part is they think Im ok with it all. My best friend just told me yesterday that I dont even want to get married right now, unlike he, who would get married tomorrow. What kind of world are we living in where that is true? But the statement is not even accurate. Of course I want to get married someday. Of course I want some guy who can finally appreciate all the work I do for him everyday without patting me on the head while he goes out with girl #149 type 2. I may even want children, although one person’s mess is probably enough for me right now. Its hard to tell when its not an option. I wanted the Mormon dream for a really long time, the perfect 2-4 inch height difference couple, pushing a stroller with our 2-year old next to us as we talk about his day at work, and I discuss what to make for dinner. I used to think Id make an excellent “insert profession here” wife, its just not what God has in store for me, and its not even what I want for myself anymore. I have the ability to make an impact on the world and Im not going to short change myself to chase a fantasy that doesnt exist and, more importantly, isnt being offered.

Its probably my fault. I settle for less – I take the friend role instead of being a leading lady in my own life – at least in dating. I settle for doing dishes and watching Tosh.0 while the date gets cuddling and make-outs. Im settling in my own life, and I dont know what other choice to make in order to not wake up miserable and pissed off everyday.

So just in case you thought I was zen about the whole mormon, black and female thing all the time, Im not. I literally want to slap the shit out of men who dont date me and date the white, pioneer-stock nothing – as bitchy and petty as it may seem. How am I supposed to hold out hope for the Mormon fairy tale, when there arent even any frogs, looking in my general direction, to kiss? I know I sound like a BPW (Bitter Pioneer Woman) right now, and youre probably thinking, well now we know. Today was just a bit more than I could take. So forgive me, and look at it as honesty. Im offering that in my perspective on all the days.

I Can’t Make You Love Me

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Dates
Dates (Photo credit: DBduo Photography)

Today’s title: Bonnie Raitt.

Dating. Maybe my biggest stumbling block in LDS life. And while I know I am not alone in the menace to society category, Ive also never dated. I’d like to think its not because I am the worst person in the world – non-Mormon Black and Hispanic guys have asked me out over the years, but when it comes to Mormons there was one guy, white, and he was on a mission in my mom’s area at 26. So he clearly wasnt the traditional Mormon. I wrote him once, but I lived literally across the country, so that never went anywhere, not that I thought it would.

I grew up liking white Mormon men. We were the only black family in most of my wards growing up and there were never any black Mormon guys near my age. This did not seem to be an issue until I got near the typical Mormon dating age, at which point it seemed like a big issue.  I liked the same blond-haired blue eyed guy for like 6 years. There were other guys in there, but none of them mormon and for various reasons were not reciprocated. My mother, who never keeps things to herself, once told his mother that I had a crush on her son. His mother was shocked. She had never even thought about me potentially liking him.

I currently live in Utah. Yes, I know – terrible life choice, but in a long-term perspective the state has been good to me. I met my best friend here and have made some friends that I know I will have forever and Im really grateful. And its also given me my new future job in NYC, which Thank God. But dating? Yeah not so much. I liked one guy a year for the first five years I lived here. And each one of them knew it. I helped two get married. Another is my aforementioned best friend. The others all call me regularly when they need help getting their life together or just want advice. So while I clearly have value in their lives, dating has never been in the cards. The closest I came was someone offering to make out when I first moved here. Really should’ve taken them up on the offer.

Recently Ive just given up. I refuse to feel like crap about myself everyday because I dont look like everyone else around me. Im not a size 2. At my skinniest I was a size 12, and believe me I was stick. I will never be blond, or have straight hair. I finally gave up on straightening a few years ago, when the cost and time (3 hours!) was killing me. And my hair laughed the one time in 7th grade I tried to relax it. I look best in super bright colors. I do not blend in well, although I did so want to as a teenager. With all my education, I will probably have more earning power than 95% of men in general, much less Mormon men. I will want to voice my 2 cents everyday to what my husband is doing so I can help and improve it, because I know I can. In my mind, these dont seem like bad traits for an awesome wife. But so far, no takers.

Even at this point in my life, Im not sure how far to stray from dating within the fold. So much of my life revolves around this way of living – will someone outside of it understand? I would still want to raise my children in the LDS church, despite my current difficulties, because that foundation led me to a God that saves and guides my life everyday. But at the same time, being constantly ignored as a female is slowly killing my soul. I lived in NYC this summer and I forgot what it felt like to be noticed. People there dont look at me weird for my crazy curly hair or darker skin or how I talk. No one asks me, even in the nicest way, what are you doing here? No one asks me where Im really from (still California). No tells me about their friend from Ghana. No one mentions the one black guy they know when they finally consider my dating life when we have girl talk. I will maybe want to stop punching people in the face when they complain about not having options. Hello? People! Still standing right here! Dateless!

So, what am I to do? Id rather not spend my adult life crying. So I keep doing the things I like and want to do – like acquiring more degrees, moving internationally as soon as possible with my new company, volunteering for crazy adventures and earning a shit ton of money to pay back all those student loans. Basically things that will make me even less dateable. Its a vicious cycle. Feel free to weigh in on my pain.