Tag: God

‘Cause I Gotta Have Faith

Posted in Black, Female, Mormon, UncategorizedTagged , , , , , , , , , , 1 Comment

I started this post this summer, and since it is still a relevant topic 6+ months later – Im going to leave what I initially wrote and then weave in where I am now. Its prob a weird idea, but im too lazy to start it up from scratch.

BEFORE – An easy pick given the topic: George Michael.

This post is inspired both by the difficulties Im going through in life in general and this blog post I found on my facebook feed. Im not going through anything more difficult than the regular up and downs of life. The anticipation of something new, moving back home after being out of my country for 3 months now, being bored, stressed and dealing with relationships. Nothing new, but sometimes they all combine together to make you lose hope and faith in yourself, others and the possibility of a better world.

Ive been greatly irritated by the stupidity of men in general this week. Nothing new – but most of the program Im helping run out here is male interns this year and the conversations are gross, the commentary banal, the actions disgusting and Im seriously wondering if this is my fate for eternity, to be surrounded by the immature, or if it ever gets better. Therefore I got upset at the Best Friend who is often the number one propagator of such grossness and his sidekick, who thinks he’s hilarious, and kicked them out of room. I was told I was over-reacting, controlling, think Im better than others and a downer. All of these things are likely true.

Combine this continued annoyance, with being sick from foreign food, sinus headaches, the lack of connection with the place, dealing with finding housing with a roommate from 6000 miles away and trying to help the BF get his shiz together for school – I may need to go home and cry for a while. Instead, I am obsessively watching Vampire Diaries from season 1, which is definitely easing the pain.

AFTER – Now im obsessively watching other shows – all hail Netflix! –  but the anxiety has been extreme. It may have been connected to my mother’s visit – it does tend to be somewhat distressing, given how long she was here. But work has been stressful as well. And the shear uncertainty has been exhausting. I met with my bishop last week. I told him the reason I havent been coming to church is because I have no idea how to be Mormon anymore; I dont know how to fit in and not feel awful about myself everyday. I dont think its exactly the church’s fault, but I still havent exactly figured out how to make it work. He gave me a blessing that I would have the courage and confidence to do what I needed and make the connections to come back.

In many ways, I am not the girl who started this blog. Although I dont always feel a lot has happened, I guess a lot really has. Its been 6 months at my first job, its a large adjustment to the corporate world. Its been a long time without my friends near by and the process of making new ones is just a drawn out one, even though I have met some really great people. I still love this city, but the anxiety has taken control and its hard to enjoy anything. I had this moment the other day where I saw who I needed to be. And it was beautiful. This girl who was quietly confident, serene and sure of her place in the world and not running around like a nutso trying to gather up enough pieces of love to get by in the next few mins, hours, days. I saw children and how much I would love them and how important they would be to me – which is a very different feeling than I had before, when I did not know how I would feel or what I would want. I saw this future for myself that was more than all the things I wanted for myself, and I felt some peace that there was still a path forward for me. I wasnt sure what was left – I didnt have any specific goals for myself recently other than to be good. Not just a good person, but really good at stuff. But I havent been able to think past the feeling of being terrible at everything, which no facts seem to support, but my brain keeps wandering back to.

Theres a way through this and that was a glimpse at what was beyond, but until then there is a curtain of solid anxiety between me and there. There is going to be a way through to that other life, but lots ahead for me. So Im not the same – I was bold before, now I feel timid. I was full of sharp edges about what I believed, now Im softer less aggressive. Im slowing down and trying to figure out whats going on in my life, so I can get to the other side of the curtain.

Im not upset about going to church tomorrow (its a Saturday here), Im not upset about where I am. Im just frustrated sometimes, but not angry any more. Thats why I think its time. Im trying to get back to where I was before, but better. So things may sound different coming from me now. Im changing, everything is changing. I dont see the topics changing, but who knows where I will come down on it? Ok, most things havent changed that much – but I may just be less angry about it all. 🙂

Hopefully thats still of interest to you reader. Happy New Year! Lets see what 2014 has to offer.

Every Day It’s as if I Play a Part

Posted in Black, Female, MormonTagged , , , , , , 1 Comment
Cover of "Mulan (Special Edition)"
Cover of Mulan (Special Edition)

Ok I think Im back. I took a mental vacation from the stress of the last school years of my life, and discovered a whole new well of stress based on having nothing to do and no idea what to do next. Oh well.

Song today: Christina Aguilera on the Mulan Soundtrack. I actually used this song to audition for a lead in choir back in good old high school. I was a bit too earnest and a bit too croaky, but I still love the movie and the song.

Ive been struggling a bit now with what I want the purpose of this blog to be. At first, I thought it should be a forum, soapbox, for me to help educate people on the different kinds of people in the LDS church, as well as maybe let people inside the same church understand how the culture we are propagating is hurting those who are making good faith efforts to stay active. Like this blog here. So I did that and then kind of ran out of things to say, plus I noticed that it didnt seem to resonate as well with people (you :)) as the posts that were just me explaining what my life was like everyday, less obviously weaving around the descriptors of my blog title. Ive also continued to read the stuff on the internet that attracts me, and wandered back to thinking I should take a more obvious stance. I read this post today and while some parts were not resonate with my reporting style – I thought is this more of what I should be doing from my position? Should I be advocating  a particular stance as a minority?

The other problem is what if Im not speaking to an audience that wants to listen and rather gain evidence for the negative aspects of the church? I have major issues with the LDS organization and Im trying my best to deal with them without making any fatal errors. My core beliefs have not changed, but I have not yet figured out how they interact with the day-to-day life of being an active mormon. I would love to have a forum to express my disenchantment and disappointment, but I do think the church does more good than harm, just I think it could do more if we were willing as a membership. I still rely on my relationship with God to get through this mortal toil, but I dont want it to come across as overly embittered and prevent someone searching from finding the good I do have.

I want to share the gifts I have, but I dont think I should be THE authority on being a minority or a woman or anything else, as I do believe in a plethora of experiences. Its the major reason why Im writing my blog – because I think my experience is one that is less readily available to the imaginations. Im hoping that, even without a soapbox, I can do myself, the God I love, and those interested a service. So Im back. And Ive been thinking a ton while Im out here in the Middle East being exposed to new ideas, new challenges, and contemplating my new future. So look forward to it.

Related articles

I Never Want to Act My Age

Posted in Female, MormonTagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , 1 Comment
Demi Moore Cover Comparison
Demi Moore Cover Comparison (Photo credit: ChadScott)

W Magazine's Demi Moore PhotoShop flub [a clos...

Blink 182 baby!

So Im about to be 30 and the awesome thing is, Im pretty pleased about the whole thing. Im looking around at what Ive accomplished, where Im at and the opportunities that seem ahead and Im excited for the future. However, getting older is not viewed as a good thing when youre a female. If youre a guy, age is your friend – how much better does George Clooney, Matt Damon and Leonardo DiCaprio look now than they did when they were younger? Especially babyface Leo. But getting older as a female? All you read is depressing statistics on how any children after 35 are more likely to have down syndrome’s or autism or other disorders, or how getting caught in a terrorist attack is more likely than getting married if youre over some age. I mean even those who look fantastic, are still given an age qualifier. In the Middle East, Im watching lots of crappy old American movies, since I cant watch the other 300 Arabic channels (language deficient!) so Ive seen Charlie’s Angels 2 again. Remember what a big deal it was when Demi Moore came out of the ocean rocking her 40-year old body and restarting her career? Then she married Ashton Kutcher and it was the resurgence of the older woman-younger man! Too bad 10 years later they are divorced, people are talking about how all the cosmetic surgery can’t prevent her aging and all things are back to the way they’ve always been.

Its scary how much we let ourselves be defined by what others may think of us. I stayed home today from the things I could have done in the world today, because I was exhausted. I slept until 3, which was over 12 hours and then woke up and did nada. Ate some hummus and turned on the TV. And eventually a little voice started creeping in, whispering so low I couldnt actually make out the words, just recognize the feeling of unease and anxiety and eventually worthlessness rolling over me. Then it got a bit louder as it got purchase on me – how dare you stay inside all day? Shouldnt you be out – building your career? meeting people? exploring the country? walking and getting less fat? doing something of value? The voice, of course, gets meaner as it gets louder. And it becomes easier and easier to believe.

So many shoulds. Its maybe the biggest struggle I face, especially when faced with a lot of choices, and I choose what I want instead of the “right” choice. I tend to punish myself for doing what I want, especially when doing what I want seems to be being super lazy. The nice thing about being out of my normal environment is I cant blame the feelings on my life. Instead, I check myself much more quickly and say, “well something isnt right, because right now Im in a foreign country, living my own personal dreams and eating awesome food while surfing the internet and not doing work, so lets get some perspective here.” Eventually I realized I was feeling bad cause I was dehydrated, drank some water and got on with the lazing. Oh well, its a process. I did eventually take a shower, leave the house, eat some really good food, and watch a movie with a friend. So overall a salvaged day.

Im learning to like it here a lot. Ive created a routine that involves teaching English a few days a week, going into an office to help with HR work and am still creating other opportunities. Having a PhD is a big deal here, which I think is opening doors. Im sure there will be bad days, but Im still grateful for the chance Ive had to be here and widen my view a bit more.

Im also using the time to get back into contact with my Heavenly Father. My life is quieting down enough for me to hear the promptings I should have been following before – but at least Im doing them now. I came out here because I thought it was what He wanted me to do, so its nice to feel like He also brought me out here so we could get closer and talk more like we used to. Being in Provo the last few years made me want to dull things a bit, so I didnt make the same efforts I used to. Here, I see how well-placed I am, and I could use the guidance so I am able to take advantage of this experience. Plus Ive got a best friend, some cute kids and some other people relying on me being at my best, so Im ready to rise to the challenge.

The end of a decade. Its not so bad growing up. Plus, no one believes I am 30 anyway, so theres always that.

Looking for Heaven, Found the Devil in Me

Posted in Black, Female, MormonTagged , , , , , , , , , 2 Comments
Women of the World
Women of the World (Photo credit: angela7dreams)

Florence + the Machine.

This morning we went out to the ruins at Termessos, which was both a hike over slippery rock and maybe one of my favorite excursions so far. Combined with doing laundry and taking an awesome shower with the best loufah ever, I thought today was a great day. Then I went outside to get cash and dinner, and was confronted by a thin Turkish 20-something who was passing the opposite direction. He did the classic, “Hello.” Followed by. “Do you speak English?” In a heavy accent. I was going to open my mouth to say yes, but he quickly followed that up with “Would you like to have sex?”

He never stopped walking in past me and never once reached out to touch me or try to impede me to follow through on his request, but it was still a horrifying? defeating? shrinking? experience. I kept on walking up the hill towards the main drag, but I huddled even closer under my hood. I was dressed the same way I always am – my blue rain jacket and today some long capris, so nothing suggested I was as loose as his question seemed in imply. Was it merely that I was a girl walking alone? Or that Im not Turkish?

I needed to use an ATM, and turned the corner looking for one of the many Turkish banks, but saw a blue glint in the corner of my eye. A familiar American bank and something about that touchstone made me keep going as I approached what felt like a dark corner to get out enough cash to last for a bit. But I wasnt accosted. No one demanded my money. And I made it to McDonald’s and back with no incident. But now the stares from passerbys felt far more threatening than they had previously. What did they want from me? Was it that I was just a curiosity? A tall girl worth staring at? Although Id seen two black people when we were at Pamukkale, I havent seen any in Antayla. I just walked head down, back to my hotel, both intimidated and then angry reminding myself that I was larger than my would-be sexual partner, and could easily have fought off any advances. There were also other people around and hopefully they would not have stood by while anything awful happened.

But more than the idea of what could have happened – the fact that something did shook my foundation a bit. Did I want to travel by myself after my friend went home? It had seemed like such a good idea the night before to take advantage of the proximity to Europe and keep traveling, but now I felt my adventurousness cowed. Is this what it means to be a female? To live in a world that holds the potential for constant threat? Do you stay home and let the possibility of threat keep you out? What happens when I move to NYC? I never felt unsafe last summer, not like this, but it could happen. Or if I move international in the future – which has always been my plan – do I always wait for a companion before getting groceries or going to the movies? I came home many times at 1am from Lincoln Center and never once worried. What will I feel now?

So much of this blog recently has been about being Black and Female. I thought that as I walked home and wanted to write about this experience. Maybe I needed to focus on the Mormon part to find a way past all those riled up feelings.

Im reading this series, Betrayed, by Carolyn McCray that is basically a Dan Brown book – involving Jesus, Judas and their bones in the present time. But what its doing is both entertaining me and letting me think about religion. As a matter of fact, the book talks about how Mary lived in Ephesus – I was just at her home two days ago. They are just about to go to Istanbul – which I head back to in a few days. It just grounds you for a second – reminds you that these were real people, they just lived a long time ago, but now Ive walked where Mary and John the Beloved walked. Ive hiked ruins where people lived over thousands of years ago. I am in the middle of my very own Bible story. And the God I have come to know through these stories and my own religious books, will protect me.

I came out to this region, because of Him. And I have felt His peace during all of the weird, alienating, beautiful experiences in the past week or so. If I truly believe in Him, and that He has led me, then He is more powerful than any idiot on a street in Turkey or NYC or any other place I have felt inspired to go. And if something terrible does happen – He is also powerful enough to make it ok, just like He has done every time before. There really isnt anything else that will make it better. For me, there is a God, He commands and it will work out in the end for my good, for all our good. And thats all there is. I need to spend more time learning about that then worrying about all the other stupid insecurities in my life. He can heal those as easily as he helped me come here to Turkey, Jordan and wherever else I go in these next few months.

I still need probably a good night’s sleep, and more clean laundry to feel up to the challenge of the outside world again, but I think I have found the most important piece back.

‘Cause Im Not Beautiful Like You, Im Beautiful Like Me

Posted in Black, Female, MormonTagged , , , , , , , , , , , , Leave a comment
The Loge of the Empress in the upper enclosure...
The Loge of the Empress in the upper enclosure of the Hagia Sophia. From here the empress and the court ladies watched the proceedings down below the basilica. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
The Church of the Holy Wisdom, commonly known ...
The Church of the Holy Wisdom, commonly known as Hagia Sophia in English, is a former Greek Orthodox church converted to a mosque, now a museum, in Istanbul. It is universally acknowledged as one of the great buildings of the world. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Angry Girl Rock Band: Joydrop.

This is going to be a strange combination of my experience in the Hagia/Aya Sophia and my personal experience of , connected by the thin line of peace. That quiet inner peace you get when youre in tune with the world and yourself. Its a feeling I had in the Hagia Sophia and one that Im developing when looking in the mirror.

Its also about the feelings of beauty when you are so out of place in a culture – every time I see a group of locals on the street and I hear them laugh really really loud as they pass – I “know” they are talking about me and how odd I/my hair/my height/my whatever looks compared to what they are used to and I feel strange. Its not an automatically bad feeling, but after a few days of it – its really hard to feel positive, especially sitting in our new hotel in Izmir where the entire wall seems to be a mirror. And I feel ginormous. Like the bed in comparison behind me seems small – and its a full.

Its hard in a world where most people (from my perspective) seem to fit in to be in a place where you are constantly reminded that you are not the norm. Yesterday, we went to a park where all these elementary children were walking by. Every single one of them wanted to wave and say hi to the obvious foreigner. The friend I am traveling with, everyone keeps speaking to in Turkish. I get the “bye-bye” on the plane and he gets – well – whatever they said in Turkish as we got off.

Im not sure what I want exactly. Its not a bad thing to be different. Part of it means that I dont have to work that hard for people to remember me. At church, at school, apparently around the world, there’s just one me. Except for that girl my best friend saw in France who looked just like me. It also sometimes means people want to talk to me. Especially when Im new in a ward, people love to come “fellowship” me, assuming Im lost or a new convert to the LDS faith. It makes breaking the ice a bit easier, which is always a welcome event. But its also jarring. In my head Im just like them. The world is pretty stable from my perspective, so I think oh hey Im Mormon just like the rest of them, or Im a tourist just like lots of people walking by. And then there’s the wake-up call from my black friends learning Im Mormon saying “You know you’re black right” or the 10th Turk that day calling out “I like your hair” that just makes you think, right not the same, mental readjustment. Sometimes its not just physical traits – its also hearing from someone you trust, that you’re particular about things and people, while you think “I go along to get along all the time!”

The image I have in my head of what I look like and act/think like in comparison to the rest of the world, isnt as stark as it must be to them.  But when I take a beat such as when I was in the Blue Mosque earlier today, or the Aya Sofia earlier this week, I feel in sync with myself and my life again and its like the external forced awareness melts away again. There is something about places of worship – even if they are not currently used as such – that houses that quiet hushed peace that is so hard to find in everyday life. You can be in a room that people made beautiful in an attempt to express their devotion to God and feel the combined prayers of thousands of years of petitioners. You remind yourself that there is a God, and Im doing my best to do the things He wants me to do. It makes you feel a lot less alone and spotlighted when you are so out there on the spectrum.

Right now, doing what I think God wants, involves traveling and going places I have dreamed of going my whole life, while dealing with the truths you learn about yourself when you step outside of your normal routine. Im also grateful to be traveling with a friend who is far more flexible about some things than I am, and is always in a good mood regardless of outside events. Except when there is snoring.

So I may not be the size or look or personality that I think constitutes beauty – although that odd man the other day seemed to be a fan – but there is still a way to feel beautiful and content and at peace in a lonely world; if I can just remember that after each small crack in the foundation.