Tag: fear

‘Cause I Gotta Have Faith

Posted in Black, Female, Mormon, UncategorizedTagged , , , , , , , , , , 1 Comment

I started this post this summer, and since it is still a relevant topic 6+ months later – Im going to leave what I initially wrote and then weave in where I am now. Its prob a weird idea, but im too lazy to start it up from scratch.

BEFORE – An easy pick given the topic: George Michael.

This post is inspired both by the difficulties Im going through in life in general and this blog post I found on my facebook feed. Im not going through anything more difficult than the regular up and downs of life. The anticipation of something new, moving back home after being out of my country for 3 months now, being bored, stressed and dealing with relationships. Nothing new, but sometimes they all combine together to make you lose hope and faith in yourself, others and the possibility of a better world.

Ive been greatly irritated by the stupidity of men in general this week. Nothing new – but most of the program Im helping run out here is male interns this year and the conversations are gross, the commentary banal, the actions disgusting and Im seriously wondering if this is my fate for eternity, to be surrounded by the immature, or if it ever gets better. Therefore I got upset at the Best Friend who is often the number one propagator of such grossness and his sidekick, who thinks he’s hilarious, and kicked them out of room. I was told I was over-reacting, controlling, think Im better than others and a downer. All of these things are likely true.

Combine this continued annoyance, with being sick from foreign food, sinus headaches, the lack of connection with the place, dealing with finding housing with a roommate from 6000 miles away and trying to help the BF get his shiz together for school – I may need to go home and cry for a while. Instead, I am obsessively watching Vampire Diaries from season 1, which is definitely easing the pain.

AFTER – Now im obsessively watching other shows – all hail Netflix! –  but the anxiety has been extreme. It may have been connected to my mother’s visit – it does tend to be somewhat distressing, given how long she was here. But work has been stressful as well. And the shear uncertainty has been exhausting. I met with my bishop last week. I told him the reason I havent been coming to church is because I have no idea how to be Mormon anymore; I dont know how to fit in and not feel awful about myself everyday. I dont think its exactly the church’s fault, but I still havent exactly figured out how to make it work. He gave me a blessing that I would have the courage and confidence to do what I needed and make the connections to come back.

In many ways, I am not the girl who started this blog. Although I dont always feel a lot has happened, I guess a lot really has. Its been 6 months at my first job, its a large adjustment to the corporate world. Its been a long time without my friends near by and the process of making new ones is just a drawn out one, even though I have met some really great people. I still love this city, but the anxiety has taken control and its hard to enjoy anything. I had this moment the other day where I saw who I needed to be. And it was beautiful. This girl who was quietly confident, serene and sure of her place in the world and not running around like a nutso trying to gather up enough pieces of love to get by in the next few mins, hours, days. I saw children and how much I would love them and how important they would be to me – which is a very different feeling than I had before, when I did not know how I would feel or what I would want. I saw this future for myself that was more than all the things I wanted for myself, and I felt some peace that there was still a path forward for me. I wasnt sure what was left – I didnt have any specific goals for myself recently other than to be good. Not just a good person, but really good at stuff. But I havent been able to think past the feeling of being terrible at everything, which no facts seem to support, but my brain keeps wandering back to.

Theres a way through this and that was a glimpse at what was beyond, but until then there is a curtain of solid anxiety between me and there. There is going to be a way through to that other life, but lots ahead for me. So Im not the same – I was bold before, now I feel timid. I was full of sharp edges about what I believed, now Im softer less aggressive. Im slowing down and trying to figure out whats going on in my life, so I can get to the other side of the curtain.

Im not upset about going to church tomorrow (its a Saturday here), Im not upset about where I am. Im just frustrated sometimes, but not angry any more. Thats why I think its time. Im trying to get back to where I was before, but better. So things may sound different coming from me now. Im changing, everything is changing. I dont see the topics changing, but who knows where I will come down on it? Ok, most things havent changed that much – but I may just be less angry about it all. 🙂

Hopefully thats still of interest to you reader. Happy New Year! Lets see what 2014 has to offer.

Oh, My God Becky Look at Her Butt it is Like Soooo Big

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Sir Mix-A-Lot.

Cover of "The Legend of Bagger Vance"
Cover of The Legend of Bagger Vance

I used to love this blog in college, but heres the post I want to talk about today. Its an oldie but a goodie. Maybe the most difficult thing for Mormons, and Im sure other people too, is to figure out how to talk to black people. I mentioned in an earlier post, when I first got to Utah, people liked to tell me stories about random Black people they knew. Babies and children of all sorts stare at me when I go to Costco – Ive seen them crane their heads around their parents to get a better look. Them I dont mind, its not their fault they have never seen someone of a darker hue before. But lets just say, I no longer go to Walmart in some parts of the world, because its just much too much uncomfortable.

I am often the only Black person at the events I attend, and Ive experienced the annoyingly eye-rolling to the jaw-droppingly racist, so let me give you the primer on what I do and do not like, and you can see if it generalizes to anyone else. 1) I hate being ignored. In one class I was in a girl from Arizona said she just didnt address directly differences of her friends, because she was scared of offending them. My response to her was, if we are actually friends, then let me teach you how to treat me. Its no different than anything else you have to learn about me – where I like to eat, what movies I will go see, and oh yeah how I talk and feel about this huge piece of what the world defines me as. I dont want people to be color-blind, because then it feels like you are pretending Im just like you, and Im not. I would like to be able to talk about those things that are different from you, whether its how much lotion I put on (a ton) or how often I wash my hair (not a ton), without feeling awkward about it. So maybe you dont know what to say: well I promise to be forgiving, if you promise to make an effort.

Numero dos: Wait until I say something racist first, and then laugh, because I eventually will, and it will be funny. Like when my friend makes a comment about their being only one white free safety left (whatever that is), it works, but if I say it then we’d all be awkward. Its probably true, but its mean. Its bad if you say something racist first, then I have to decide if Im going to be the bigger person, and I honestly will probably not talk to you again. But when I say it first, like when I told my best friend that I was his magical negro (see Will Smith in Bagger Vance and Morgan Freeman in everything), well then its funny, because its true. Then you can laugh at me while I eat fried chicken, but not before.

Three: I have no idea. Lets pretend this is like the Dave Chappell Show and you can ask a black girl. This could be fun. It will be an ongoing thing. Put your questions in the comments section and Ill get back to you.

If You’re Flawless, Then You’ll Win My Love

Posted in Female, MormonTagged , , , , , , 1 Comment
Anxiety
Anxiety (Photo credit: Rima Xaros)

90s Angry Girl turned into Ryan Reynolds ex-girlfriend and recent Canadian Hall of Famer: Alanis Morissette.

So for the last two nights, I keep waking up freaking out about this blog. I am prone to perfectionistic tendencies, which is the major reason why I never wanted to write about things so personal and important to me before. No one is going to care what I write about the lastest crappy ensemble movie to hit theaters or John Mayer’s lastest album, but comment on racial, gender and religious issues and the writer comes into question. And I, am not perfect, especially not compared to the Mormon perfection standard. I dont feel a listing of my personal sins is necessary, lets just say Ive fallen off the wagon in minor and major ways. I think what makes me Mormon despite those mistakes is that I usually try to get back on and that I show others the same forgiveness I try to show myself.

I spent a good portion of my life living by shoulds, because I was scared to death no one would love me if I didnt follow all of their rules. By no one, I literally mean no one. No friends, no family, nada. The thing is people have so many rules. My mother wanted straight A’s, my PE teacher for me to run that stupid mile each week faster, my friends to stop studying and play, my teachers to work harder on their assignments, my volleyball coach to come to practice during finals week, and blah blah blah. I spent so much time trying to figure out what I should do, that I literally had no idea what I wanted to do. Even those few times back then when I knew what I wanted to do – like go to school in NYC rather than a suburban college town, I felt God wanting me to do the latter, and I should follow him, right? Well as far as I can tell, God is the only person on that list who I should (hah!) consider when I make choices and even then, Im still a bit bitter (damn you Utah!).

Ive been slowly teaching myself to acknowledge my own wants. If Im exhausted and want to go home, but am worried about keeping my friend if I go home instead of go out with them, well I try to come up with a compromise that doesnt compromise me. Im trying to state my preferences more, which has resulted in quite a few people calling me a bitch, but the truth is I havent lost anyone yet. Now Im practicing asking for things that I wouldve been scared to rock the boat on before – like the emergency exit row on the plane. Guess what happens? Im polite, no one cares, and so far Ive always gotten get the seat!

This blog is me making another conscious effort to be whole. In the words of C.S. Lewis,

“If all experienced God in the same way and returned Him an identical worship, the song of the Church triumphant would have no symphony, it would be played like an orchestra in which all instruments played the same note.”

Im not as interested any more in behaving like a Middle C, when I am clearly like an A Sharp. Ive made enough decisions thinking about just me and God’s opinions that have been considered really random by all outside observers, and yet turned out truly awesome for me, so I can take the hit. But yes, Im afraid that someone will stumble upon this and say, but she doesnt go to church regularly, or she cant get anyone to marry her, or some variation of, “But did you hear about that thing she did that one time?” and make me feel small and awful for trying to stand. And worse yet, that those of you who are reading this with the growing inclination to find or support your own note will think, “The price she paid was much too high to take that risk.” I am choosing to believe I can handle a few sleepless nights. What will you choose?