This Woman’s Work

This song (Maxwell) always reminds me of Love & Basketball. I love Sanaa Lathan.

So Ive reached that moment where the whirlwind of settling in has come to an expected lull and now I get to evaluate my self and my life now that I finally have a second. Its weird – that high of moving here has ended. Today, when I went to church (second time this year – yay me!) I was like man Im on a subway and im going places – weird! Which I havent thought about in a few months. Its just become routine – trying to figure out which subway to take to get to my work (there are way too many choices) and then often defaulting to a cab. Sometimes I take the bus. In the evenings, I often walk home from Park Ave through Central Park to go to my new gym, which I love and has a rock climbing wall! The point is that now this is my life. My life is doing random assignments at work, watching many of my friends decide if they are staying at our company (some moving on) and trying to decide if my life is where I expected it to be. Its been almost a year since I abruptly ended my life in Utah after 9 years and moved on to who knows what.

So I made friends. All sorts of friends. I mean not a ton, but enough to have people to call and text when the mood strikes. Ive even gone to the movies again! Its weird that I havent gone to many this year, but I guess I do other cool things. I went to a taping of The Daily Show on Tuesday – Kevin Spacey was the guest in honor of season two of House of Cards. Its just those little things that are helping me figure out what I might do in this new life.

So, the thought Ive had most recently is around living fully, feeling fully. I spend a lot of time making myself obey and preventing myself from having any feelings because they are “wrong” or “wont work out” or a myriad of other reasons. But the truth is that my feelings are just me. I get to choose what I do with them, but if I dont even feel them of course I am going to spend most of my time being anxious because I constantly I have to monitor myself to make sure I stay “right.” Its exhausting, depressing and makes me feel like Im not connecting with the world. I just end up curled in a ball inside myself, because the world is too dangerous to trust myself in it. Or maybe Im too dangerous to allow myself out into the world. Either way, sucky. So the new thought is to just put more stuff out there. Even its just me that knows it. So if I think this married guy I know is hot, then guess what I shouldnt stop that thought before it gets to live! He is hot, and I can trust myself to do what I think is right in the situation, which is not to jump on him or anything else less appropriate. Plus he lives like 2000 miles away. I think Im safe. And it includes more innocuous things like being confident at work and not second-guessing myself just in case someone else might have a different opinion. It includes not being ashamed of the fact that when my knee hurts – I do not go to the gym. I go home! I live up 4 flights of stairs! We don’t jeopardize that!

So heres to feeling the lows and the weird and the sad, because it means that I can really enjoy the pride and the random and the happy. So Im hoping this kicks off the new stage of the new life. Cause man – the last part sucked and I could use the break. Here’s hoping I write more often too!

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