Keep It Loose, Keep It Tight

Amos Lee – Title same as lyric.

Do you ever feel like the world is slowly melting into an unrecognizable sludge? There is nothing particularly wrong, but sometimes there just isnt enough right to make it worth getting up. Although even as I write this, I feel like Im just being depressing and not recognizing all the awesome stuff in my life. I mean I got free tickets to The Daily Show with Jon Stewart. Who can be sad when that is happening? Its not that Im sad – I think Im just running on fumes. This is the first real vacation Im taking from work. Ive had a few sick days now and then but Ive always checked in, and we are just coming off all the business of end-of-year stuff. My friend and I have been talking about this – we used to feel motivated even when things were hard. Now, things are just drab, the world is just gray. Maybe its just winter blues. Maybe its just that work isnt that interesting and sometimes, things just have to be gotten through. But its really really really not fun. Plus Im sick and just tired and while going to the gym is fantastic – truly fantastic, every time I go I feel super run down and get sick. Since last week all I want is to sleep.

Sometimes I get these flashes where Im whole. When instead of feeling like Im cowering inside my body looking out, I fully occupy my space and connect through my fingertips and eyes and heart to the rest of the world like re-engaging the power source. Like I touched a live wire that energized me again instead of the battery inside slowly grinding to a halt. I realize I just make the choices I can make. And maybe even though I can recognize what the choice I should make is – the highest good, its ok that I cant make it all the time. The color returns. Its sad that I live without color – I love it so much. My favorite color is green – its the one color I can see and immediately feel connected to the life around me. Its about not being so trapped by prisons of my own making. Its about living outloud without fear and hopelessness dictating the possibilities. If there is a God, which I know there is, then He is more powerful than this, even though I often relegate Him to the same limitations as myself. I mean if I cant do it, how can He? Its arrogant, but isnt that what fear and lack of hope is? Pure arrogance that we know better than the mysteries of the universe that never bend to our common sense. There is no way that there is a logic that makes sense to the path where most of us have ended up. And even if it did, the beauty in the connections and moments are more than can be created by our limited imaginations. It takes humanity, real people, with all of their complexity and transcendence to give life to the shadows we create. I dont want to live in the shadows. Its grey and cold and scary and lonely. The real world – the one we all can’t make sense of without His help – that only functions by His rules, well that one has got to be better than this one I made up with my own feebleness?

I know Ive jumped a bit and gotten a bit more existential than I started, but the thoughts and half-feelings are more important to me right now than perfect explanation. Thats what I want – I want to play in the stream not just stand by and observe it. Thats how you lose color and hope. Things just seem like they are going by and reaching out turns into the hardest thing you’ve ever done and there exists only reasons not to. Only in the other world is reaching out the more natural gesture. I pray that half-thought and powerful feeling of connection is not forgotten again for too long. Its too hard in the cold; Id rather not return.

‘Cause I Gotta Have Faith

I started this post this summer, and since it is still a relevant topic 6+ months later – Im going to leave what I initially wrote and then weave in where I am now. Its prob a weird idea, but im too lazy to start it up from scratch.

BEFORE – An easy pick given the topic: George Michael.

This post is inspired both by the difficulties Im going through in life in general and this blog post I found on my facebook feed. Im not going through anything more difficult than the regular up and downs of life. The anticipation of something new, moving back home after being out of my country for 3 months now, being bored, stressed and dealing with relationships. Nothing new, but sometimes they all combine together to make you lose hope and faith in yourself, others and the possibility of a better world.

Ive been greatly irritated by the stupidity of men in general this week. Nothing new – but most of the program Im helping run out here is male interns this year and the conversations are gross, the commentary banal, the actions disgusting and Im seriously wondering if this is my fate for eternity, to be surrounded by the immature, or if it ever gets better. Therefore I got upset at the Best Friend who is often the number one propagator of such grossness and his sidekick, who thinks he’s hilarious, and kicked them out of room. I was told I was over-reacting, controlling, think Im better than others and a downer. All of these things are likely true.

Combine this continued annoyance, with being sick from foreign food, sinus headaches, the lack of connection with the place, dealing with finding housing with a roommate from 6000 miles away and trying to help the BF get his shiz together for school – I may need to go home and cry for a while. Instead, I am obsessively watching Vampire Diaries from season 1, which is definitely easing the pain.

AFTER – Now im obsessively watching other shows – all hail Netflix! –  but the anxiety has been extreme. It may have been connected to my mother’s visit – it does tend to be somewhat distressing, given how long she was here. But work has been stressful as well. And the shear uncertainty has been exhausting. I met with my bishop last week. I told him the reason I havent been coming to church is because I have no idea how to be Mormon anymore; I dont know how to fit in and not feel awful about myself everyday. I dont think its exactly the church’s fault, but I still havent exactly figured out how to make it work. He gave me a blessing that I would have the courage and confidence to do what I needed and make the connections to come back.

In many ways, I am not the girl who started this blog. Although I dont always feel a lot has happened, I guess a lot really has. Its been 6 months at my first job, its a large adjustment to the corporate world. Its been a long time without my friends near by and the process of making new ones is just a drawn out one, even though I have met some really great people. I still love this city, but the anxiety has taken control and its hard to enjoy anything. I had this moment the other day where I saw who I needed to be. And it was beautiful. This girl who was quietly confident, serene and sure of her place in the world and not running around like a nutso trying to gather up enough pieces of love to get by in the next few mins, hours, days. I saw children and how much I would love them and how important they would be to me – which is a very different feeling than I had before, when I did not know how I would feel or what I would want. I saw this future for myself that was more than all the things I wanted for myself, and I felt some peace that there was still a path forward for me. I wasnt sure what was left – I didnt have any specific goals for myself recently other than to be good. Not just a good person, but really good at stuff. But I havent been able to think past the feeling of being terrible at everything, which no facts seem to support, but my brain keeps wandering back to.

Theres a way through this and that was a glimpse at what was beyond, but until then there is a curtain of solid anxiety between me and there. There is going to be a way through to that other life, but lots ahead for me. So Im not the same – I was bold before, now I feel timid. I was full of sharp edges about what I believed, now Im softer less aggressive. Im slowing down and trying to figure out whats going on in my life, so I can get to the other side of the curtain.

Im not upset about going to church tomorrow (its a Saturday here), Im not upset about where I am. Im just frustrated sometimes, but not angry any more. Thats why I think its time. Im trying to get back to where I was before, but better. So things may sound different coming from me now. Im changing, everything is changing. I dont see the topics changing, but who knows where I will come down on it? Ok, most things havent changed that much – but I may just be less angry about it all. 🙂

Hopefully thats still of interest to you reader. Happy New Year! Lets see what 2014 has to offer.