Every Day It’s as if I Play a Part

Cover of "Mulan (Special Edition)"
Cover of Mulan (Special Edition)

Ok I think Im back. I took a mental vacation from the stress of the last school years of my life, and discovered a whole new well of stress based on having nothing to do and no idea what to do next. Oh well.

Song today: Christina Aguilera on the Mulan Soundtrack. I actually used this song to audition for a lead in choir back in good old high school. I was a bit too earnest and a bit too croaky, but I still love the movie and the song.

Ive been struggling a bit now with what I want the purpose of this blog to be. At first, I thought it should be a forum, soapbox, for me to help educate people on the different kinds of people in the LDS church, as well as maybe let people inside the same church understand how the culture we are propagating is hurting those who are making good faith efforts to stay active. Like this blog here. So I did that and then kind of ran out of things to say, plus I noticed that it didnt seem to resonate as well with people (you :)) as the posts that were just me explaining what my life was like everyday, less obviously weaving around the descriptors of my blog title. Ive also continued to read the stuff on the internet that attracts me, and wandered back to thinking I should take a more obvious stance. I read this post today and while some parts were not resonate with my reporting style – I thought is this more of what I should be doing from my position? Should I be advocating  a particular stance as a minority?

The other problem is what if Im not speaking to an audience that wants to listen and rather gain evidence for the negative aspects of the church? I have major issues with the LDS organization and Im trying my best to deal with them without making any fatal errors. My core beliefs have not changed, but I have not yet figured out how they interact with the day-to-day life of being an active mormon. I would love to have a forum to express my disenchantment and disappointment, but I do think the church does more good than harm, just I think it could do more if we were willing as a membership. I still rely on my relationship with God to get through this mortal toil, but I dont want it to come across as overly embittered and prevent someone searching from finding the good I do have.

I want to share the gifts I have, but I dont think I should be THE authority on being a minority or a woman or anything else, as I do believe in a plethora of experiences. Its the major reason why Im writing my blog – because I think my experience is one that is less readily available to the imaginations. Im hoping that, even without a soapbox, I can do myself, the God I love, and those interested a service. So Im back. And Ive been thinking a ton while Im out here in the Middle East being exposed to new ideas, new challenges, and contemplating my new future. So look forward to it.

One thought on “Every Day It’s as if I Play a Part

  1. Have you seen this blog post? http://bycommonconsent.com/2013/05/12/dichotomy-of-my-faith/ It talks about a different problem, but I think it captures the difficulty you are expressing well–knowing that there is truth and goodness and great worth in something that is also painfully and even wrongly flawed.

    I am glad you are back–in whatever direction and in whatever style you take your blog. It takes some experimentation to find your particular method for blogging.

    I respect you, I think I would like you if we knew each other in real life, and we need all the voices. I need all the voices–to have a sounding board for things that bother me and for things in which I rejoice, and to expose me to and make me aware of things I had not considered or have not experienced.

    I think you have a lot to offer the world. We need your voice.

    Kate @ BJJ, Law, and Living

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