If I Were A Boy

Standard of Living
Standard of Living (Photo credit: Believes in everything…)

Super Bowl Shout to: Beyonce.

What must it be like to be a guy? I have a best friend, and while he may not be representative of the entire gender, he insists more are like him than not. From my perspective, they seem to be content with general lower standards of living. HIMYM says they’ve all thought about opening a bar or starting a band. But most things seem to revolve around farting, burping, and boobs. Im pretty sure nothing can be done about the first two, its the third I intend to weigh in on today.

I know quite a few men in their late 20s (early 30s) who are divorced. From my point of view, it seems like they married the hottest girl who would have them and then tried to settle down into domestic bliss. Except the problem was that said hot girl has no discernible skill sets or interest in their particular ideas of domestic bliss. At this point I usually yell, “And why would she?! She clearly communicated that what she spends her time doing is being hot – shopping, makeup, gym, etc, all so she could snag you, and now you want her to cook, clean and raise kids too? You got exactly what you searched for. Dont be mad at her now.” So then they get divorced spend about 5 years licking their wounds, and attempting to figure out what exactly is it they do want if they were to get married again. Some of them accomplish it successfully, while others are still bidding their time.

Then there are the single, never-married ones. They range from the asshole to the delusional (he wants a 22 year old Black model girlfriend and hes 39) to the confused to the boring to the list goes on. They spend a lot of time crewing up to go to their versions of the pick-up zones, ward activities, some large Mormon event, the bar, and then complain about how the girl turned them down cause they were not tall enough.  I mean, girls arent making this war any easier, but I’ll turn to them later. Some days Im so tired of listening to their bullshit about why no girls like them, when they are all chasing the same 10 versions of a girl. I mean, read exhibit C. If a girl can get better, and “all you can do is list a bunch of faults you don’t have, then back the fuck away from the patient. ” Even on a bad day they deserve better than you and your particular brand of inanity and laziness.

Rant aside, the thing is – I still like them. I still want one of them to come to his senses one day and be like, “this girl, who I call when I want someone to hold my hand is amazing. This girl who tries everyday to make my life a little bit better and help deliver my dreams, is someone I should probably stop taking for granted. Thus, I will stop dating the silly girls who add little to my life and settle down to awesomeness. “Stunted vocabulary aside, what the crap are you guys actually thinking about? Is it really just Dazed and Confused in there? Is all that matters that they keep getting younger, and you stay the same age? Mentally, emotionally, ecumenically?

And then, every time I get one of the male sex to a grown up personhood point, after hours of yelling and talking and crying (usually on their end) they end up marrying the girl they met while I was making them grow up. I want to scream, “HELLO! You just gave away all my hard work! Investment not returned! Damnit!” But it doesnt matter. They just keep getting married and the others keep talking about a nice ass, and I keep getting frustrated.

The worst part is they think Im ok with it all. My best friend just told me yesterday that I dont even want to get married right now, unlike he, who would get married tomorrow. What kind of world are we living in where that is true? But the statement is not even accurate. Of course I want to get married someday. Of course I want some guy who can finally appreciate all the work I do for him everyday without patting me on the head while he goes out with girl #149 type 2. I may even want children, although one person’s mess is probably enough for me right now. Its hard to tell when its not an option. I wanted the Mormon dream for a really long time, the perfect 2-4 inch height difference couple, pushing a stroller with our 2-year old next to us as we talk about his day at work, and I discuss what to make for dinner. I used to think Id make an excellent “insert profession here” wife, its just not what God has in store for me, and its not even what I want for myself anymore. I have the ability to make an impact on the world and Im not going to short change myself to chase a fantasy that doesnt exist and, more importantly, isnt being offered.

Its probably my fault. I settle for less – I take the friend role instead of being a leading lady in my own life – at least in dating. I settle for doing dishes and watching Tosh.0 while the date gets cuddling and make-outs. Im settling in my own life, and I dont know what other choice to make in order to not wake up miserable and pissed off everyday.

So just in case you thought I was zen about the whole mormon, black and female thing all the time, Im not. I literally want to slap the shit out of men who dont date me and date the white, pioneer-stock nothing – as bitchy and petty as it may seem. How am I supposed to hold out hope for the Mormon fairy tale, when there arent even any frogs, looking in my general direction, to kiss? I know I sound like a BPW (Bitter Pioneer Woman) right now, and youre probably thinking, well now we know. Today was just a bit more than I could take. So forgive me, and look at it as honesty. Im offering that in my perspective on all the days.

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